emotional intelligence

The Cost of Letting main stream media and social media Do Our Thinking. Lately I’ve been thinking about how both the political left and right are pushing narratives through social media, and a lot of what’s being shared is made up of half-truths or no truth at all. It feels like emotions are being intentionally poked and prodded to build followers around ideologies, not facts.

Honestly, you can’t even scroll social media anymore without stopping to ask yourself, “Is this actually true?” And that the norm now.

Before you can even consider the message, you have to research it just to figure out if it’s real. That alone tells me things are out of control.

What worries me most is how much of this stuff gets absorbed emotionally. A lot of people don’t consciously assess what they believe or take the time to verify it. If something aligns with how they feel, it gets accepted and then repeated.

Sometimes something goes viral almost instantly and gets accepted as truth, whether it’s fact or fiction, simply because it hits people emotionally.

And I get it. When something hits you emotionally and connects to a belief you already have, human nature is to accept it as truth, because our own biases want us to believe it.

If this keeps going, I really think it damages our ability to function as a country, because we lose a shared understanding of what’s real and what isn’t. Everything becomes narrative instead of truth.

I think part of the problem is that we’re becoming mentally lazy. We stop thinking critically and let confirmation bias run unchecked, and it just keeps building on itself.

The solution is simple, even if it’s not easy. Slow down. Question what we’re seeing. Separate facts from feelings. Think logically before reacting emotionally. Truth shouldn’t depend on which side it benefits.

Just something I’ve been thinking about.

v/r Russ

Incorruptible Organizations AMA with Eric Ries. Wednesday 2/4 at 3:00 PM CT

Lean Startup author who now focuses on legal structures to protect mission-driven organizations from corruption. incorruptible.co

Free book giveaway! Register here.

Engage or Enrage. It is likely that we have family members or friends that we differ with greatly when it comes to politics, healthcare, etc.  I am no different.  When the inevitable hot topic arises, do you recommend flight or fight, engage or enrage?  How do you respond when this occurs?

looks like I've been wrong and spreading misinformation about the disproven "triune brain theory".

The final—and most important—problem with this mistaken view is the implication that anatomical evolution proceeds in the same fashion as geological strata, with new layers added over existing ones. Instead, much evolutionary change consists of transforming existing parts. 

- From https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0963721420917687#con1

I have definitely made this mistake, many many times.

I'm not sure yet the implications of recognizing instead that "all vertebrates possess the same basic brain regions, here divided into the forebrain, midbrain, and hindbrain;" in some ways it seems like a nuance, but in other ways I think it'll shift how I see things and talk about things. 

more quotes in case you don't read the article:

neural and anatomical complexity evolved repeatedly within many independent lineages

the correct view of evolution is that animals radiated from common ancestors (Fig. 1c). Within these radiations, complex nervous systems and sophisticated cognitive abilities evolved independently many times. For example, cephalopod mollusks, such as octopus and cuttlefish, possess tremendously complex nervous systems and behavior (Mather & Kuba, 2013), and the same is true of some insects and other arthropods (Barron & Klein, 2016; Strausfeld, Hansen, Li, Gomez, & Ito, 1998). Even among nonmammalian vertebrates, brain complexity has increased independently several times, particularly among some sharks, teleost fishes, and birds (Striedter, 1998).

The idea that larger brains can be equated with increased behavioral complexity is highly debatable (Chittka & Niven, 2009). 

(Alignment of "Us"- Excerpt #159 from an epistolary I'm releasing next year). Dear Johan,

A great example of alignment is when someone knows that I love them even when, in the moment, I can’t feel it.

A great example of alignment is when what I do, when I’m not trying to signal, signals to the other person that I love them.

A great example of alignment is when a person is at the edge of how they understand themselves and they look me in the eye and we can both tell that we’ll still be in love after we find out more.

A great example of alignment is when someone does a behavior I usually feel shame about doing myself, but when they do it I see innocence and beauty.

A great example of alignment is…

I want to cry right now. The Texas Supreme Court voted to allow judges to refuse to marry gay couples based on religious beliefs.

I don’t seem to be in alignment with the Texas Supreme Court.

I don’t seem to be in alignment with Republicans or Christian Nationalists.

If I’m not in alignment with a person I can just go somewhere else.

I don’t really understand how to participate with people with whom I don’t share alignment.

I can feel the part of me that could just wander off. What stops me is thoughts of the people who can’t wander off, people that have to stay.

Jordan just called me. I really needed him to call. He’s telling me he doesn’t know what to do…

I told him it’s so weird to be so flat-footed spiritually. I can’t sense the direction of love.

He just asked me if I was upset because I can’t find forgiveness. I said that feels secondary. It doesn’t feel like I can even think of forgiveness until I understand how to protect anyone.

I cannot let my tribe face this alone.

But Jordan’s not a homo. So he wouldn’t lose any rights if he did nothing and he’s telling me he’s my tribe.

He’s my “us”. He’s always in a stand that we can’t be in an us vs them. I really listen to him and watch him when he says that. I tell him that and he’s quick to tell me that I can certainly take some time to us vs them. But that’s what the last years have been for me. I already know where all that goes.

When so many people are calling me inhuman, it’s hard to still call them human…but I’m resolving now.

It means so much that he called. He’s showing me that I don’t understand all the shapes yet. In my brain there’s a picture of the word “them” being crossed out.

We stayed in a little longer and, like a pebble floating to the bottom of a pond, I found my skin in the game.

This is all about family. I didn’t think I could have a family when I was young if I wanted to be gay. When I met T and J and realized that I could have a family, I was heartbroken that I had been bamboozled into a limiting belief.

I don’t want anyone else to be bamboozled.

The pebble settles on the bottom and I can feel a truth: I’m not above duties that are perpetual. 

It’s like the laundry. Jordan says it’s just like Arjuna. Now he’s saying that an unwinnable fight can still be worth fighting. I can feel myself arising now to gather the crops from the field. God isn’t picking on me. It’s just time to work.

Grief of progress: Jordan is talking about how surprised he is…he thought we had come further than this. 

I note that I feel a kind of sureness inside. In Avatar (blue aliens not airbenders) there’s a part where the animals themselves rise up and defeat the bad humans. I thought that the Republican-Christian-Nationalists wouldn’t dare to poke the bear. 

I am the bear and there is no them. Just an us. My whole body feels toward this now…it feels like how it feels when I’m in a friend’s house at night looking for the bathroom light switch.

But right now I’m not afraid.

I hope you had a great night,

Mike

What is Relateful - it's not JUST being vulnerable> right? . What is Relateful? 

This is something i think about almost all day long. Ok that's extreme over stating, but it's a big part of my life.  It's not what is it, but more like, HOW DO I EXPLAIN IT?

What is it though.  So for me, it's been a life changing practice.  For me, after trying what felt like every healing modality in the universe (obviously impossible task), circling 2018 on circle anywhere was the tool that truly created the - changes.  

What's most alive for me at the moment, is the memories of the people who tried circling/relateful and did not like it.  WHAT no, some people don't like it? That can't be (wish i could change font color for my sarcasm). 

These imprinted memories of witnessing sessions where a person seemed to have a need and that need wasn't met.  For instance, someone (person A) reaches out to another participant (person B) with some love and care - the receiver (B) - goes into their system truth at the moment - and communicates - they cannot receive and or reciprocate this love and care.  The person A offering their care becomes upset obviously trigger.  The "giver" person A, is not able to see that they weren't actually giving love/care, but asking for love care.  Maybe this is a big assumption on my part - but if we give someone a compliment or reach out for connection and we are not received the way we wanted to be received... then it's not giving - it's almost demanding, or cloaked need. 

This person A was (probably still is) a therapist in the real world.  We connected outside of the platform and listened to their side and how upsetting this experience was for them. That person then made claims that this practice isn't safe.  Person A did not continue.  Person B  is someone i trust and wasn't at the time, but is now a Relateful facilitator.  Stating this, i want to side with participant B doing this practice, being themselves, expressing in a way, their inability to allow love in, who was not available for a connection, but was available for being with that inability to connect. That is how i witnessed it.  It felt to me like a beautiful experience, but it's hard for person A to be with how it feels to reach out and not be received. 

I'm guessing (assuming) you have all witnessed this in a session in some way.  Then there are rumors from these types that Relateful is - not just an unsafe practice, but they seem to claim it's harmful or damaging. 

The example given was the most obvious in my witnessing. The therapist unaware of what this practice and the seasoned practitioner doing the practice - with their most truth in the moment, can't receive their love and care.  There was not an attack of any kind, the receiver was in my opinion doing a beautiful practice with attunement and didn't speak until prodded to respond and when doing, did their best to be kind in their moment of not wanting to love bomb out of a social norm. 

Not saying we can't get better at attuning. Not saying it was a perfect example.  

What i'm wondering is if there is a way to explain this practice in advance- where they are prepared???   Like how powerful and life changing this could have been for the therapist and my actress friend and many others.

This sweet well mannered soft actress friend of mine practiced for a few months and felt similar in times... she said "i was being my most vulnerable and it's harmful for me to continue this practice".  This friend of mine - 5 years ago - i felt responsible, that i some how oversold the practice as a place to be your most authentic self.  She internalized it - "a safe place to be vulnerable".    But i never said that, even back then, i would describe this practice as a "safe place to practice being with unsafe".   

Now very recently with a human who will remain nameless... heard similar things:
paraphrasing:

"i was being my most vulnerable self..." 

This invisible rule, if someone is being vulnerable, then the whole group has to be gentle and say "awe" or something like that.  

Or that if one is being vulnerable, the group needs to navigate as to not cause any harm to that person.  It's so sublte and submersive comes to mind, but they participant is UNAWARE that there vulnerability is cloaked in need and manipulation.  

How to communicate what this practice is???!!!

Emotional Awareness leading to suffering or transcendence? 🫠. Many emotional awareness practices are self reifying. I think this leads to more suffering.

Does being more in touch with your emotional reality invite transcendence of who and what you think you are? Or does it confine you? Are you more open to surprise, or are you more controlling of how people are with you? Are you more responsible for your well-being now that you see what’s happening inside of you, or do you now feel entitled to others treating you a certain way?

I’ve done all of the above, probably today. My apologies to everyone who I’ve been holding responsible for me and my experience. I forget how powerful I am: how I get to choose the interpretations, my right to how I respond, what I show up for, and how I use my resources. I forget to respect the beauty and functionality of how you do things, and to let our differences be OK even if this means more space between us.

I like to think with relatefulness our emotional awareness training opens us up, allows us to be more self-responsible, and transcend the confines of what we limit our self-identity to. But we are flawed and multiple, so sometimes we use our best tools against ourselves. May we be gentle with ourselves and others when we slip into a disempowered assessment, “feelings reveal the truth of who I am,” and may we keep shifting toward an empowered inquiry, “feelings reveal new possibilities—am I free to choose?"

#TTT 

Are all second-order emotions bad? An idea that I’ve found helpful recently is the idea that all second-order emotions are bad. Feeling sad about feeling sad, feeling happy about feeling happy—all of it is bad. Emotions are unavoidable and just are, and meeting them with full acceptance and curiosity is good. Meeting them with other emotions is bad. So if I’m feeling happy, it’s a good thing to wonder why, to be curious about where that’s coming from, and whether it’s driven by something that can be repeated. The same is true with feeling sad—it’s good to be curious. Meeting emotions with curiosity is always good; meeting them with other emotions is always bad. I’d love for anyone to come up with a counterexample to challenge this point.

Pain and suffering- the difference looks massive to me lately. Someone was rude to me earlier today. The in-the-moment impact of his words was discomfort (pain), but the suffering happens in the rumination. 

The expectations I seem to be putting on myself for the quality of this post is suffering, so I'll stop here.

What are some of your uncertainties? Experiences of failure (that maybe you still haven't turned into learnings yet?) Obvious realizations? (eg: things that were maybe super obvious to others, or even obvious to you about others, but you just realized deeply apply to you?) 

Will you share some here in the comments?

#quicktakes 

What are some of your uncertainties? Experiences of failure (that maybe you still haven't turned into learnings yet?) Obvious realizations? (eg: things that were maybe super obvious to others, or even obvious to you about others, but you just realized deeply apply to you?) 

Will you share some here in the comments?

#quicktakes